Results tagged “wardrobe malfunctions” from Mamarazzi

Denial, thy name is Dina Lohan. (Actually, Big Fat Headline-Hogging Idiot is more accurate, but even we'll admit that's a bit of a mouthful.)

See, since May 24th, Lindsay Lohan has been wearing a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. A SCRAM (or secure continuous remote alcohol monitor) measures blood alcohol level through perspiration on the skin. Not much of a fashion statement, but a pretty effective deterrent, right?

Two ways to conceal a SCRAM: wear something so low-cut that it deflects attention towards your enormous chest freckles ...

Except that after the MTV Movie awards on June 8th, Lindsay's SCRAM bracelet showed that she'd been drinking.

So what happens? Lindsay claims somebody spilled a drink down her leg. Which is ridiculous. A SCRAM is designed to measure the way the body metabolizes alcohol, and a spilled drink would measure as a sudden, dramatic, and obvious spike in the readings.

. ... and wear pants that are so long, they're almost in China. (Photo courtesy of MTV.com)

Not to mention the fact that Lindsay was wearing pants--maybe the world's longest pair. But that didn't stop Dina from backing Lindsay's story to the hilt:

She was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.

Sometimes we have a slow news day around here, so we debated the idea of having one of us wear a Secure Continuous Remote Asshat Monitor. How great would that be? Every time a celebrity did something mockable, we'd hear about it right away.

But then we realized it would go off every time Dina Lohan opened her mouth.

OK, media? Enough. We get it. Sarah Jessica Parker is a style icon. It may have taken a decade, but you've managed to hammer this so-called "fact" into our heads.

But Sarah-as-Carrie-Bradshaw? Not so fashion-icon-y. Sometimes she looked great. Other times she slid down the slippery slope of eccentric and looked like a wino who'd been dumpster diving behind a Barney's.

For example, the blue bird stuck to the side of her head in the first SATC movie was grotesque. First of all, it was fugly.

Also, when we were thinking about including something blue in our wedding ensembles, a stuffed bird didn't leap to mind. Who wants a dead animal that close to her face? In a word: ew.

But Sarah Jessica has apparently decided that crazy hats should be her signature accessory. Here she is at the 2008 London premiere of SATC:

And here she is at the London premiere of SATC 2, looking like Maleficent from a live-action remake of Sleeping Beauty, except with more skin showing.

This is seriously scary stuff. If the second SATC movie is as successful as the first, we could have another ten years of an increasingly crinkly Sarah Jessica Parker hobbling down the red carpet with outtakes from a Tim Burton movie stapled to her head.

If she won't think of her own children, could she please think about ours? Because this is the stuff of nightmares.

If you're like us, you're probably having a heck of a time telling some of these so-called "stars" apart.

For example, at first we thought this was J-Lo. Or maybe Emma Caulfield. Then we realized that it's Molly Sims. But hey, everyone's blonde these days. Who can tell them apart?

But then even the brunettes started to confuse us.

See, there used to be one famous brunette. Her name was Kim Kardashian. She was curvy, wore way too much makeup, and dressed like a skank.

Then she got a reality TV show and we discovered that she has sisters. All pretty much identical: deeply tanned, loaded with makeup, flaunting miles of cleavage.

But then Jersey Shore made its debut.

Frankly, we're glad we don't live in Miami, because right now the sidewalks must be teeming with Kardashian klones sisters and Jersey Shore Guidettes. How can anyone be expected to tell them apart?

We don't mean to brag, but it's easier than you think.

1. Does the skank you've spotted look like something out of a fast-food clamshell? This is key. Snooki reminds us of a Chicken McNugget, whereas the Kardashian sisters look like a bucket of KFC.

2. Once you've established their essential golden brown greasy crispiness, check for hoops. If they're being used to hold a bathing suit together, it's a Kardashian.

If they're so big, you could use them in the powder room to hold guest towels, you're looking at a Guidette.

Photo: Pacific Coast News

"Mariah Carey Swaps Stilettos for Sweatpants (and Aprons) at Home"
-- People.com

"Mariah Carey Forgot to Lose the Stilettos and Should Have Remembered the Apron" -- Mamarazzi.org

And, um, Mimi sweetheart, take a tip from Hubby Nick: If you must wear trailer park fashion, buy it two sizes too big, not three sizes too small.

Photo courtesy of DListed

So apparently, over at GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow's unintentionally hilarious blog, she's explaining that an emergency five-day crash diet of kale purée and blueberries got her camera-ready for Iron Man II.

First of all: poor Gwynnie. A five-day diet? We weep for you.

Second, the results of this five-day diet can be seen in Iron Man II, where Gwyneth spends most of her screen time sitting, either at a desk or in a limo, quarreling with Robert Downey, Jr. Occasionally she gets up and teeters around in a pair of insanely high heels. OK, her dresses are kind of short, so maybe the blueberries and kale were worth it.

But really, Gwyneth--everyone was really looking at Scarlett Johannson. Including the people at Entertainment Weekly, who managed to keep you off the cover.

So you might as well break down and have something to eat.

P.S. Gwynnie? "Formal shorts" is an oxymoron. We never want to see you wearing them again.

Dear Busty:

If you're going to marry a man for his money

at least spend it wisely.

xxx,
Mamarazzi

Photos courtesy of Just Jared

And it looks like Ralph Lauren won.

JustJared

Thank God, because we were getting a little tired of Jon in his pay-per-wear t-shirts. Those things were louder than Bill Cosby's sweaters.

So yay Ralph Lauren. But Jon? Just so you know? A navy blue polo shirt, while slimming, is not a portable liposuction machine.

DListed

Now that her former bodyguard has spilled the beans about Angelina's crazy behavior, it's time for her to rehabilitate her image.

Popsugar

So on a recent trip to Venice, Angelina Jolie dropped $5,000 on an Akris ponyhair bag. But before she handed over her credit card, she had her stylist call the company to assure her that the ponies were treated well. She was assured that they were.

We're sure the news gave Angelina the warm squishies, but honestly, if she's trying to rehabilitate her image (and she should be, considering the allegations in the InTouch interview) buying a white bag made of the ponytails of virginal unicorns is just a first step.

Next, she'll have to fill the bag with fortune cookies full of messages like "I'm sorry I stole Brad" and have it shipped to Jennifer.

Most important of all, she'll have to get Billygoat Brad to shave off his chin dreads. Sorry, Angie, but we're married women, and we know who has final say about a man's appearance.

Here are some of Brad's facial hair shenanigans when he was married to Jennifer

MillionFace

and here's what he's wearing, now that he's with Angelina.

The Mirror

Angie, wake up. This thing is a cry for help. Forget the ponies and the orphans for a minute and save Brad. If you're really serious about making the world a better place, go all Delilah on Brad's chin. If this thing gets any longer, Brad will be able to donate his chin dreads to Locks of Love and have them weave you a designer bag out of it.

It never ends up well.

Why do we say that?

Well, just as we were recovering from the cornea-searing experience of seeing Sandra Bullock's husband's tattooed that's-no-lady-that's-my-mid-life-crisis in all her colorful glory

Michelle McGee courtesy of US Magazine

the new wires start buzzing with the story of Bob Geldof's daughter Peaches and her adventures in L.A.

Photo of Peaches and "Big Ben" courtesy of Pedestrian TV

It seems that Peaches hooked up with another tattoo fan, whereupon they went to a hotel room, did some heroin, had some sex, and took some pictures of each other. Which the guy, code name "Big Ben" decided to post on the internet.

(Click here for more NSFW photos.)

Now it looks like Peaches is going to lose her job as spokesperson for Ultimo, a British lingerie line aimed at young women.

Apparently her behavior is too risqué even for them.

The lesson we've all learned from this? Avoid covering your body with distinguishing marks. They wreck your chance to come up with a half-way plausible story, should you do something stupid while cameras are around.

With all those tattoos in evidence, Peaches was reduced to claiming that she didn't use heroin. All she did was get really, really drunk!
Well, as it turns out, major corporations aren't all that happy being represented by sloppy drunks, either.

So what have we learned, children? If you must cover your body with tattoos, please keep your clothes on, unless for some reason a major corporation is paying you to prance around in their underwear.

Because Peaches has already been replaced with a mercifully tattoo-free Kelly Brook.

There. We hope we've cleared everything up. Now excuse us. We have some children to lock up.

Photo courtesy of DListed

Yeah, we know it looks like Madame Tussaud's latest exhibit, but that wax Robert Pattinson is absorbing 47 times its weight in excess estrogen.

Seriously, some of those girls look like they just spewed out a lifetime's worth of eggs in one stupendous semi-orgasmic ovulation-a-thon.

We predict a rapid drop in England's birthrate.

Oh, and we're gratified to see that too-tight skinny jeans and Converse sneakers have become a worldwide trend. National pride dictates that teenagers everywhere look at least as stupid as ours. Go USA!

Wait a minute ... that whole Twilight thing is pretty much our fault, isn't it? Never mind.

We've always wondered why Shauna Sand wears lucite platforms everywhere she goes.

Well, that's an exaggeration. We realize she does it because she has delusions of sexiness.

All that bikini bottom needs is two strips of bacon and some maple syrup.

But to the beach? On the sand? How hot can that sand be? (For that matter, how hot can that Sand be? Hee! A pun! You're welcome.)

Anyway, we figured it out. Shauna is being practical. Look what the beach has done to her Vuitton bag. Here it is on the website:

and here's Shauna's:

She is obviously very hard on her clothes. We didn't realize it before because she wears so few, but it must be true. As the detectives always say, "it's the only explanation that makes sense."

She wears the stripper shoes because she's hard on her shoes, and plastic shoes are practical. You can take them to the beach, out in the mud, even cover them with lube--they hose right down and are good as new!

But honestly. To the beach?

Somebody needs to tell her about Crocs.
---
Photos courtesy of MK at DListed, except for the shot of the Vuitton bag, which was from Portero

Demi Moore must be kind of sick of posing for nude pictures.

Even semi-nude pictures appear to have lost their charm.

The symbolism of the giant V on Demi's va-jay-jay completely eludes us.

Maybe it's because she wants to divert attention away from that whole "they Photoshopped her hips away" scandal of Fall, 2009, but she seems more interested in oversized props these days.

Like a giraffe. The spiral staircase. AND THOSE SHOES.
--
Credits: Animated W magazine covers courtesy of boingboing; Harper's Bazaar cover courtesy of Ms. Moore's twitter account.

We just heard that Madonna is going to be designing producing putting her name on a line of junior clothing and accessories.

Now, some of us have teenage daughters with pretty definite ideas of what is and is not in style. (Like, say, velour tracksuits.) These teens will be glad to hear that Lourdes is going to help design the line.

Oh, and the line is going ibe called Material Girl. We don't know whether we think this is such a hot idea. On the one hand, "Material Girl" makes us think of rubber bracelets, leggings, and dark roots--all already available at stores near you.

On the other hand, it's better than "Sunset Boulevard" or "Death Becomes Her," or "I'm still young and hot, dammit!" all of which come to mind.

Really, they were in here when I got dressed.

Last Monday, Mamarazzi decided to hold a caption contest. (And why didn't we do this before??? All we have to do is supply a picture, and our readers supply the snark. How easy is that?)

Anyway, congratulations, Hok Gardner!

Please email your info to poppy2006@gmail.com and the $25 Starbucks GC is yours. (Or a $25 iTunes card; we're not particular.)

Thanks to all who entered!
---

If it weren't for the clothes, some of us wouldn't even bother to watch the Grammys. But where else are you going to see:

That the right dress and eye makeup can add at least 10 years;

That if you're running late, you can just skip the dress;

That Debbie Harry and Tinkerbell have a love child. Who was conceived in a Hula Hoop factory.

But the most important award show fashion news wasn't at the Grammys. It was at the Director's Choice awards.

Where we discovered that Billy Goat Brad had trimmed his beard.

Dear Billy Ray:

Are you mental, or do you just think we're forgetful?

Let us help you out here; we're not forgetful. We remember your dumb-ass Achy Breaky Heart song and the mullet that went with it.

Photo courtesy of ScrapeTV.com

We remember the the nude picture of Miley that showed up in Vanity Fair. And the provocative father/daughter shots of you and Miley.

Photo courtesy of Gothamist.com

Not to mention Miley's MySpace self-portraits.

Complete with duck lips.

Photo courtesy of ThisisBandit.com

We even remember hearing about you telling Miley to get back on twitter. (Tell us why again? Because she wasn't getting enough publicity?)

But now? Now your nine-year old daughter goes to a Halloween party dressed as ... what is this, anyway? A Hoochie Witch?

Whatever it is, it's bad. So guess what? You just won the Mamarazzi "Bad Dad o' the week" award.

(But don't get excited. It's only Monday. Some other idiot might screw up before Friday.)

Now please get lost. And take your soul patch with you.

The Mamarazzi