Results tagged “douchebaggery” from Mamarazzi

Happy birthday, Douchebag.

We hate to break it to you, but your license to lift up your clothes and show everyone your underwear is revoked at your fourth birthday.

--
Photo courtesy of DListed.

OK, maybe deciding to run a headline a la The Onion wasn't a great idea. But you can't really blame us. Honestly, we were struck speechless by Joe Jackson's latest interview.

Tabloid interviewee and abusive father of the year, Joe Jackson. Image courtesy of the Fark Knight.

Joe has been sponging off Katherine Jackson since Michael died. She has supposedly been paying him $30,000 a month.

We don't know what prompted his latest interview, but we're guessing Katherine told Joe that, like other child abusers of retirement age, he needed to file for Social Security.

Instead, he mouthed off to the tabloids, saying it's Katherine's fault that Michael died.

Katherine was weeping uncontrollably and highly upset. But I didn't give her a hug because I was MAD at her crying. I said, 'If you had listened to me Michael would be living now!' I kept thinking about the times I had stood in front of her saying something was wrong.I couldn't bottle up my feelings. Katherine didn't say a word - I had to get away from her. If she'd done what I asked, Michael would be here today. I am incensed with her. She could have made a difference.

Our reaction?

1. What a douchenozzle.

2. Michael was 50 years old when he died. Isn't there a statute of limitations on blaming moms? Please?

Denial, thy name is Dina Lohan. (Actually, Big Fat Headline-Hogging Idiot is more accurate, but even we'll admit that's a bit of a mouthful.)

See, since May 24th, Lindsay Lohan has been wearing a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. A SCRAM (or secure continuous remote alcohol monitor) measures blood alcohol level through perspiration on the skin. Not much of a fashion statement, but a pretty effective deterrent, right?

Two ways to conceal a SCRAM: wear something so low-cut that it deflects attention towards your enormous chest freckles ...

Except that after the MTV Movie awards on June 8th, Lindsay's SCRAM bracelet showed that she'd been drinking.

So what happens? Lindsay claims somebody spilled a drink down her leg. Which is ridiculous. A SCRAM is designed to measure the way the body metabolizes alcohol, and a spilled drink would measure as a sudden, dramatic, and obvious spike in the readings.

. ... and wear pants that are so long, they're almost in China. (Photo courtesy of MTV.com)

Not to mention the fact that Lindsay was wearing pants--maybe the world's longest pair. But that didn't stop Dina from backing Lindsay's story to the hilt:

She was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.

Sometimes we have a slow news day around here, so we debated the idea of having one of us wear a Secure Continuous Remote Asshat Monitor. How great would that be? Every time a celebrity did something mockable, we'd hear about it right away.

But then we realized it would go off every time Dina Lohan opened her mouth.

We had resolved to stop making fun of anyone whose last name is Gosselin or Lohan. Instead, we were going to do nice, positive, upstanding things like congratulate Matthew McBongity on the birth of his daughter.

Photo courtesy of X17.com

And you see how long that lasted.

But we don't really feel we're really breaking our resolution, because we're powerless in the face of Jon Gosselin's dead shark eyes. He reminds us of the guy who played Torgo in Manos: The Hands of Fate. We're under his spell, and the proof is our sudden urge to go to Ulta to buy an Ed Hardy fragrance.

(Also, those of you who went to co-ed high schools, does it look like Michael Lohan's teacher asked him to write something on the board, and he has a hard-on and is trying to hide it with the front of his t-shirt?)

ANYWAY. Apparently there are talks underway between these two fame whores. They're planning on having some kind of boxing match.

YAWN. With any luck, they'll be like matter and anti-matter. As soon as one of them manages to land a punch, they'll both disappear.