Results tagged “crazy” from Mamarazzi

Last Friday we were twittering some snark about Tiger Woods's car accident. (We're not heartless; we'd already heard he was OK.) You know, the one where his wife, Elin Nordegren, bravely rescued him from his wrecked Escalade by breaking the car window with one of Tiger's clubs.

But this morning, our dream of an adoring wife and grateful husband was shattered by news update involving a cheated-on wife and mother of two 1. scratching her husband's face, 2. chasing him down the driveway, and 3. whacking him with his own golf clubs.

Seems that Tiger has been romantically linked with Rachel Uchitel.

Despite having been linked romantically with "a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors," Rachel claims, "I will never kiss and tell."

Whatever, Rachel. That remark strikes us as both pitiful and braggypants. As far as we're concerned, your new last name is Kissandtell. And that's not the worst name we thought up.

But back to Tiger. He's still not talking.

We hope that means he's shopping for a golf-ball-sized diamond.

Because Ellin appears to have a pretty good swing.

It's been a long time since we opened a Mad magazine. After all, we're not exactly their target demographic.

But when we heard that they picked the canonization of Michael Jackson as the Number 1 Stupid Thing of 2009, we had to take a peek. And this is what we saw.

So tell us. Funny? Or two very sequined thumbs down?

We really came down from our Halloween-candy-fueled high when we heard that Michael Jackson's father Joe is taking Michael's estate to court.

Think about it. This is It! tops the box office; the soundtrack breaks the Billboard 100, and Joe "Child Abuse" Jackson shows up with his hand out.

Seems that before Michael died, he had been giving his father a monthly allowance. But Michael died in June, and the allowance stopped. Michael left $26,000 a month to his mother and $60,000 a month to his children. But he didn't arrange for an allowance for his father. Joe Jackson's sole source of income is now his monthly Social Security check.

In court documents Jackson claimed monthly expenses of $1,200 for rent; $2,500 for eating out; $2,000 in airfare ... and Lord knows how much for sunglasses, cosmetic dentistry, and snappy little fedoras.

We're sorry to break it to you, Joe, but the gravy train has left.

Speaking of Gravy Train, maybe it's time you developed an appetite for dog food. Either that, or move back in with your wife.

Assuming she'll let you.

Katie Holmes is now officially Xenu's fashion muse.

The current Mrs. Tom Cruise has designed the new uniforms for staff members of "Ideal Org", the term for those Scientology churches functioning most closely in accordance with directives laid out by cult founder L Ron Hubbard. You know, Orthodox Scientologists. Like the ones at the Scientology Celebrity Center in Hollywood.

Oooo, look! Saucy accessories!

According to Scientology.com, "In its entirety, the uniform embodies the essence of international style, at home in Rome or London, but not out of place in Nashville or Inglewood, and equally well suited to South Africa and Australia." You know, all over Teegeeack.

We believe that Katie, like at least one Operating Thetan, time traveled to the early 1960's, and gained invaluable fashion inspiration. Here are some photos of Katie during that pivotal journey back in time.

Here, behold the inspiration behind Katie's creations in their proper setting. We believe the photo above shows Katie, sporting hair as golden as the Scientology logo, graciously serving L. Ron Hubbard himself.

Here, Katie joyfully serves the young Tom Cruise.

We have some suggestions for Katie's next Xenu couture line. We like the idea of the retro-future look.

We think the giant alien head look suits Scientologists well. Also, we think the helmet would effectively neutralize any evil transmissions emitting from Marcab.

We think this little number sums up the Scientologists' mindset beautifully. In fact, we think our couture suggestions score a perfect 150 on the E-meter.

Eight baby dolls = $16.00
Baby sling = $10.00
Long black wig = $10.00
Giant clown lips = $5.00

Perfect Halloween costume?

Priceless.

OK, we were kidding. He's not in the hospital. But he has been spewing again--this time at Lindsay's significant other, Samantha Ronson.

And it gets worse. He's doing it on his blog.

That's right, folks. If you're curious, you can go straight to Michael Lohan's blog and see it all. The pictures of him with Lindsay. The pictures of him without Lindsay. His schedule. His vlog. (Which appears to be entirely made up of eerily lit footage of him asking "Is this thing working?")

Here's Thursday's rant about Samantha Ronson:

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn't used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha.
Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren't just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

Ohhhh kaaaay. We get it. SaMANtha isn't your idea of a perfect daughter-in-law. Thanks for sharing. Because we've learned something today. It doesn't take a village to raise a child; it takes the entire internet. So internet, get off your lazy butts and HELP LINDSAY.

Oh, and internet? Before you go off and save Lindsay?

You really need to check out Michael's blog.

It has autoplay music.

Don't you wish you had a fame-whore dad who was that cool?