Results tagged “WTF” from Mamarazzi

OK, maybe deciding to run a headline a la The Onion wasn't a great idea. But you can't really blame us. Honestly, we were struck speechless by Joe Jackson's latest interview.

Tabloid interviewee and abusive father of the year, Joe Jackson. Image courtesy of the Fark Knight.

Joe has been sponging off Katherine Jackson since Michael died. She has supposedly been paying him $30,000 a month.

We don't know what prompted his latest interview, but we're guessing Katherine told Joe that, like other child abusers of retirement age, he needed to file for Social Security.

Instead, he mouthed off to the tabloids, saying it's Katherine's fault that Michael died.

Katherine was weeping uncontrollably and highly upset. But I didn't give her a hug because I was MAD at her crying. I said, 'If you had listened to me Michael would be living now!' I kept thinking about the times I had stood in front of her saying something was wrong.I couldn't bottle up my feelings. Katherine didn't say a word - I had to get away from her. If she'd done what I asked, Michael would be here today. I am incensed with her. She could have made a difference.

Our reaction?

1. What a douchenozzle.

2. Michael was 50 years old when he died. Isn't there a statute of limitations on blaming moms? Please?

In another failed attempt to kick-start her cratering career, Lindsay Lohan produced a documentary about sex trafficking in India.

Five minutes after it was released, the internet started to percolate with rumors about a sex tape.

Lindsay denies these rumors. But Lindsay? If you really want to make the rumors go away, don't wear a see-through blouse

to a launch party. Especially if the product being launched

is sex toys.

Honestly, the girl doesn't understand the first thing about combining fame and humanitarian work.

We're thinking about mailing her a biography of Audrey Hepburn.

--
Lindsay Lohan photo courtesy of DListed; vibrators courtesy of BedroomJoys.com

Dear Bimbo:

You've got to be kidding. He's 42 years older than you; he's an alcoholic who regularly sucks down two bottles of vodka a day, and he's just been arrested for beating you.

Look, if you want money, there are easier ways to earn it. Like reality shows. Or the lottery. Or selling your soul to the devil.

Anything's better than having sex with a cigar store Indian.

Even if it gives a whole new meaning to the word "Wood."

Smooches,
The Mamarazzi

Now that a seemingly endless stream of nightclub hostesses and cocktail waitresses has come forward with their stories, Tiger Woods has finally sort of admitted that he was, in fact, getting some on the side.

Rachel "Troutpout" Uchitel courtesy of NY Daily News

Tiger's-eye view of Jaimee Grubbs courtesy of Radar On Line

In doing this, he has followed the traditional route of all cheating bastards, which is to:

1. lie
2. admit as little of the truth as possible
3. ask for privacy

What interests us is the issue of his privacy.

Tiger Woods was a golf prodigy, who took part in a televised putting competition with Bob Hope when he was two years old. When he was five, he appeared in Golf Digest. When he was 20, he went pro and immediately scored $60 million in endorsements.

After that he played a lot of golf, got even more famous, and became the highest paid athlete in the world. Forbes magazine estimates that Tiger has earned a billion dollars. For what--toiling in a solitary garret perfecting his art? No, for playing golf on television.

Tiger, we're sorry to disappoint you, but Nike is paying you buckets of money because you're a public figure.

And if a public figure goes on a multiple-nightclub-hostess banging spree, well, the public is going to have its little laugh.

Sometimes

it's really hard

for new fathers

to get their figures back.

It's been a long time since we opened a Mad magazine. After all, we're not exactly their target demographic.

But when we heard that they picked the canonization of Michael Jackson as the Number 1 Stupid Thing of 2009, we had to take a peek. And this is what we saw.

So tell us. Funny? Or two very sequined thumbs down?

Wow, that whole Balloon Boy escapade was really some must-see TV, wasn't it?

Weird and unreal and suspenseful. Like a mash-up of Home Alone, James and the Giant Peach, and the twitter fail whale.

Confession time: we actually didn't catch any of it. Kristin was curled up with Princess Di's funeral service. Sarah was watching O. J. in the white Bronco. Poppy was trying to decide whether that really was a "wardrobe malfunction," and Susie was hypnotized by Aretha Franklin's hat.

You see, we're connoisseurs of live TV excitement, and Balloon Boy didn't make the cut.

We've carried children to term. We've carried angry toddlers out of restaurants. If we had to, we're pretty sure we could carry a six year old.

And we know a Jiffy Pop container filled with helium wouldn't be able to do it.

Do your kids ever tell you you're embarrassing?

That's a rhetorical question. OF COURSE THEY DO.

Well, next time it happens, show them these pictures of Courtney Love.

Pictures courtesy of Sun.uk

And then tell them that Courtney posted them to her twitter account.

They might not say "Wow, Mom, you're so much cooler than Courtney Love!" Maybe they'll just roll their eyes at Courtney's craptastic PhotoShop skills.

Whatever. We'll take it.

Courtney, thank you for making us look good. Again.

1. Have you ever been on a reality television show?

2. Have you ever posed nude for a men's magazine, released a sex tape, or been involved in the porn industry?

3. Do you make Donald Trump look quiet and self-effacing?

4. If people have heard of you, is it because you used to be married to a household name?

If you answered "Yes" to all four questions, congratulations! You're a loserish fame whore--and there's also a very good chance that you're Heather Mills McCartney.

Heather's latest desperate attempt to get attention is her eco-friendly fashion line, B@1. She introduced it at Celebrity Catwalk, an event where loserish fame whores strut around posing for pictures in a misguided attempt to drum up media attention.

Heather's new fashion line is recycled clothes. Yes, new clothes made out of old clothes. It sounds like a really good idea

until you see that turning garbage into garbage

really doesn't do the environment any favors.

Paris Hilton, role model
Paris Hilton is trying to climb aboard the Mourning Michael Jackson express, and it only makes her look stupider. If that's possible.

She's claiming that Michael named his daughter after her. Which is OK, because it's possible that Michael didn't realize that in addition to being a dim-witted celebutante, Paris is a city in France.

Paris is also claiming that her mother was a good friend of Jackson's. And that's OK, too. Certainly the man could have used more friends.

But Paris is also claiming that her mother went to school with Jackson. And we draw the line at that. Kathy Hilton grew up in California, and Jackson was born and raised in Gary, Indiana.

The only way it makes sense is if Paris is taking the lyrics of "ABC" literally. And when you think about it, the song pretty much encompasses the sum of Paris's knowledge: ABC, 123, do re mi, that's how easy love can be.

Everything Paris Hilton knows, she learned from The Jackson 5

God bless the internet. What did we ever do without it? We don't need to read second-hand reports of celebrities making fools of themselves in People magazine anymore. We can sit at home in luxurious ease while celebrity idiocy is beamed straight to our laptops.

Our latest favorite is Courtney Love, who all by herself, is reason enough for TMZ.com and twitter to exist. First of all, there's this priceless TMZ footage, where girlfriend can't resist the opportunity to display the contents of her purse and dazzle everyone with her knowledge of Edgar Allan Poe.

Courtney Love - Bag Lady

"I'm still famous! No really! I am!"

And as if that weren't enough, Love also used her twitter account to blast former Hole member Eric Erlandson and broadcast her ignorance of contract law. Seems our Courtney wants to release a solo Hole album.

uh i just hear that a former guitar player is saying i cant use my name for MY band, hes out of his MIND, he may want to check the trademark

and his amex "Disease Model Tour" Bills, and umm, lets see his 99 usage of that amex and his 01 usage of wow 298K?198,000DOLLARS? Hole is

MY Band MY name and MY Tradmark he also might want to check his TAXES versus my redone Taxes on a bogus ssn, and talk to @Perezhilton's

Crook CPA Accoutancy Firm COUGHS then VOMITS< who pay themselves something liek 350,000 a week and then dump 38,ooo into shell corps

In 2006 Steves went and s corped the name HOLE INC noone knows where probably Deleware, But its NOT worth getting into illtell you that

Buying me some Fish Fingers in 1989 is not really a concept i can relate too after stealing from me and particpating in stealing from mykid

Earth to Courtney, earth to Courtney; ceiling cat says put down the crack pipe. You are a solo artist now, and Hole is the name of a band.

Either that, or the space between your ears.

We love Madge. Sure, she's a self-important, egotistical old blow-hard. But we're loyal. She was cranking out fun dance music when we were young and cute, so we have a soft spot for her.

But this cougar routine of hers is getting embarrassing.

It's not enough that Brazilian boy toy Jesus Luz (22) has moved in to her Upper West Side home and lives there with Madge (50), Lourdes (12) Rocco (8) and David (3). That's OK. After all, lots of families in that income bracket have an au pair.

But now Madonna and Jesus are going to have a not-actually-legally-binding Kabbalah "commitment ceremony." You know, because in hidebound, reactionary New York State, it's legal for a single, heterosexual woman to marry a single, heterosexual man.

But why get married? Been there/done that. Why not have somebody recite some not-legally-binding mystical mumbo-jumbo to make things look sort of semi-respectable, in case you want to adopt some more kids? And no need to worry about pre-nups or messy, expensive divorce proceedings.

So the question on everyone's mind is: will the not-really-a-bride wear white?

P.S. Great minds think alike: Lourdes calls Jesus "the babysitter." We expect great things from that one.

We're completely serious. Someone has to save that poor girl from her publicity-crazed relatives.

You've already heard that Michael Lohan has "freed up" his "busy schedule" so that he can spend quality time with his daughter. Other sources tells us that Ma Lohan and little sister Alli are hanging out with Lindsay to "support" her. Now Grandma Lohan wants to get in on the act.

Well, frankly, we think what Lindsay needs is a break from those publicity crackheads.

And so, Mamarazzi grants custody of Lindsay to ... Stevie Nicks.

Stevie Nicks survived the seventies and eighties and kicked her own cocaine habit. She's selling out concert arenas and doing just fine, thanks.

Rumors that Lindsay Lohan has been wanting to star in a bio pic about Stevie Nicks have been swirling around for years. Well, right now, Lindsay is desperate for a come-back. A bio pic like Walk the Line would be perfect.

The problem is Stevie isn't interested. As quoted in Thursday's New York Times:

Lindsay Lohan hopes to buy the rights to [Nick's] life story and to play her on film. Unmoved, Ms. Nicks responded: "Over my dead body. She needs to stop doing drugs and get a grip. Then maybe we'll talk."

See? Sounds realistic. Strict. Not a word about "support."

If you ask us, she's perfect foster grandmother material.

Shauna Sand is our number one fan! How do we know?

We only had to make fun of her stripper shoes once twice three four times before she got the hint and changed out of them.

Shauna using her iPhone to catch up on her Mamarazzi reading. We feel so proud.

But Shauna, honey? Just so you know?

Changing from stripper shoes to ho boots isn't usually considered a step up.

Eight baby dolls = $16.00
Baby sling = $10.00
Long black wig = $10.00
Giant clown lips = $5.00

Perfect Halloween costume?

Priceless.

Because we've thought of some more people for them to sue.

You've heard they've filed a five million dollar suit against a British baby carriage manufacturer for using images of them without their permission?

Well, if they can get five million from the baby carriage people, imagine what they can get from Sesame Street for using Marc's image all these years.

That would leave Marc with even more millions of dollars to count. "One ... two ... three! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Not to mention what he could get from Lindsay Lohan

for using his body.

This hasn't been a good week for Nadya Suleman.

On Monday, her publicists quit. Now, you might be asking yourself, why would a woman who just gave birth to octuplets need a publicist? But look at it this way. She's very busy taking care of her 14 children and drunk-dialing Angelina Jolie. What little free time she has has been spent visiting plastic surgeons to see whether she can get a few extra breasts to help handle the breastfeeding load.

And yesterday we found out that her parents' mortgage is in default. And she might become homeless.

We're sure this isn't what Nadya had in mind, and as always, we're here to help. Here are some fundraising suggestions for Nadya. Any one of them would take care of her housing difficulties. (Disposal diapers are another thing, though.)

1. Become a fertility goddess. Goddesses don't pay mortgages, yo.

2. Product endorsements. Yes, again. Hey, it's worth a shot!

"Octomom says 'I cleaned up my act--with Octagon!'"

3. Start an orphanage. OK, orphanages are totally 19th century. But Nadya could start one and then sneak their kids in with the other ones. And hey, maybe Madonna will adopt one.

4. Star in a movie remake. (Sorry, Nadya--not Mr. and Mrs. Smith.)

5. If all else fails, find a really big shoe and move in.

Pardon us for still being in a state of shock that anyone would do this to herself, OK? But reality appears to be sinking in for Nadya Suleman. Hello? Babies are expensive. So while she waits for Oprah to call, Octomommy is doing what she can to raise much-needed cash.

She started a web site

where you can donate money. Which is a start, but this picture (caution: skeeve alert) gave us some other ideas for ways for her to raise cash. Product endorsements!

How about

because seriously, those stretch marks? Make us think of the globes in the Rand McNally store.

And Nadya would be a natural as a spokeswoman for these

because you just know her bladder will never be the same.

N.B. Mamarazzi to Octomommy: "Cheaper by the Dozen" is a movie.