Results tagged “Tori Spelling” from Mamarazzi

Tori, Tori, Tori. Life dealt you a mixed hand: Your dad Aaron Spelling produced a gazillion extremely successful TV shows based not on their actors' talent but on their Hollywood gorgeousness. Your mom Candy was, and remains, a sickening sugary little wild one with the brain of a shih tzu. We don't mean to be cruel, but Candy freely admits that she kept adding rooms to her legendary 56.500 sq. ft., 123 room L.A. house because the architects' floor plans looked so small.

So, given that you grew up in an environment where beauty trumped brains every time, we absolutely understand your confused and conflicted ideals and body issues, as painfully illustrated on yesterday's Today show.

Tori, sweetie, we don't want to force your hand, but we suggest that you look to the show Hot in Cleveland. Its premise? Three L.A. showbiz women move to Cleveland when they discover that, while ho-hum by L.A. standards, they're considered on fire by men in the rust belt. Yes, in less bizarrely demanding locales, it is possible to be kind to yourself and be seen as genuinely attractive! You might even learn to semi-like yourself.

Truth be told, we have a real life friend whose husband's career moved her and the kids from Beverly Hills to Ohio. She discovered two things; women in middle America are expected to wear their bras under their clothing and that her teenagers actually preferred life in Ohio to 90210. Tori, play your cards right: You could benefit from the same reality check to realize that life with OK looks and less fabulousness may be the best thing for you, your kids and all those people who look up to you as a role model. We don't know who those alleged people are, but we'll play along.

Besides, Tori, your moving to one of the most ignored and fattest US states would be an ace premise for your next reality show, Life In a Defunct FacTORI Town.

You know, some celebrity endorsements make a lot of sense. Like Farrah Fawcett for shampoo.

Or Elizabeth Taylor for junk food:

(If only someone had told her to back away from the chocolates.)

Nicole Kidman for Botox

and Bob Dole for Viagra.

Other endorsements make us go "hmmm," like OJ Simpson for Hertz

(Does Hertz even rent Broncos?)

or "wtf?" like Donald Trump for his pointer finger The World's Greatest Combover.

OK, FINE. It's the world's greatest steak. We suppose.

Well, Tori and Dean have started promoting toilet paper. Apparently it has to do with how you like your toilet paper to go into the holder. Apparently she likes the paper on top, and he's more of a bottom. We can see it now: "Cottonelle. Because that's how we roll."

Anyway, here they are endorsing Cottonelle,

unless it's puppies. Or wearing more makeup than a trannie going out on Halloween as Joan Crawford: The Later Years.

We wonder how much they're getting paid to make us associate them with assholes. We suspect the answer is "not enough."

You know how you spend hours and hours labeling your kids' crappe before summer camp in hopes that it will be eventually be returned to your household?

Apropos of nothing, Dean McDermott recently got inked with his 4th Tori Spelling-related tattoo.

Perpetuity -noun, plural -ties.
1. the state or character of being perpetual (often prec. by in): to desire happiness in perpetuity.
2. endless or indefinitely long duration or existence; eternity.
3. something that is perpetual.
4. an annuity paid for life.
5. Law. an interest under which property is less than completely alienable for longer than the law allows.

How wonderful to have a photograph of the moment little Stella realized if she someday penned a book ripping on her mother, all this could be hers!

It's hard to admit when you've made a mistake, but it's also responsible journalism. So all those times we've said Tori Spelling is a butt-ugly lollipop-headed husband-stealing weirdo? We take it all back.

Because Tori had to grow up as the child of Candy Spelling.

We've mostly known Candy Spelling as the trophy wife of Aaron Spelling; a ditzy double for Paris Hilton's mother Kathy. And we have mocked her pathetic attempts to act like a normal grandmother-to-be and raise other people's children by publishing open letters on TMZ.com.

But now that Candy has a website--complete with cheesey auto-play music?

And has just published a book?

Which is timed to come out just before Tori's next book? So that the only way Candy and Tori are communicating is via the printed page?

Dueling books--and dueling updos.

And ... because Candy has just put The Manor, her 56,500 sq. ft., 100-room mansion on the market for $150 million? (Which seems a small price to pay for a bowling alley, a doll museum, a living room the size of Grand Central Station, and a wrapping paper room larger than most kitchens.)

We take it all back. Because some say heredity is responsible for the way kids turn out. Some say it's environment. But Tori is the result of Candy Spelling and the environment she created:

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And therefore has our deepest sympathy.