Results tagged “Lindsay Lohan” from Mamarazzi

Dina, the things you say, we couldn't ever make up. You're that incredible. Literally.

You know the whole, absurd story about why Dina Lohan doesn't want meal ticket daughter Lindsay to go to jail. We honestly believe that Dina's heart is in the right place but her arguments for why Lindsay mustn't go to jail move us as much as Lindsay's courtroom plea for leniency - "I was working with children *sob* - it wasn't a vacation. *weep*"

Dina says that Lindsay can't go to jail because:

1. "Lindsay is sober and she's fine" Snork.

2. The other inmates will try to kill Lindsay for ultimate street cred. Um, Dina, if Lindsay goes down, so does the California prison system and Judge Revel, L. A. Mayor Villaraigosa, and Gov. Schwwarzzenneggerrr won't let that happen. Then again, we can see Lindsay starring in a movie about gorgeous, crazy, violent, sexy lesbian women behind bars.

3. Lindsay is claustrophobic. Yes, we know. That's why Lindsay spends 90% of her waking hours in claustophobes' nightmare locales, airplanes and dark, crowded, noisy clubs.

But Dina, today we thank you for delivering our punch line for us. You, and we are not making this up, told that pillar of journalistic excellence, In Touch magazine:

"Lindsay actually wants to open up her own rehab center here (in Los Angeles) and a couple across the country to help other kids and celebs so they don't fall through the cracks in this town," Dina said. "She mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. She's really growing up."

No doubt she's taking careful notes in her new rehab center, coincidentally owned by her new (hoo boy) attorney.

This trial was like the Thanksgiving centerpiece on the Lohan's dining room table--a full-to-overflowing Horn of Crazy. Rainbow-colored obscene fingernails? Hysterical crying? Both parents scrambling for interviews? Constantly switching legal representation?

Well, we've figured out why.

Lindsay and her immediate circle are too busy partying and doing drugs to watch TV. If they had watched even half as much TV as the average American, they'd know not to mess with a judge.

Lindsay probably thought Lindsey's judge would be like Lance Ito, the judge on O. J. Simpson's murder trial, whereas 20 minutes of Judge Judy would have taught her different that Ito is the exception that proves the rule. Whisper, giggle, or fidget too much, and you risk being expelled from the courtroom. Make sure you've gone to the powder room before court starts, because potty breaks are up to the judge, too. Everyone stands up when a judge walks into the courtroom. Come on, who else do Americans do that for? Not the President. Not the Pope. Not even Queen Elizabeth II, and we've heard she'd cut a bitch.

Judge Marsha Revel is our new heroine. Watch her sentence Lindsay here:

If you start feeling bad for Lindsay Lohen's recent sentencing,

please know that she's the one who said "I can't get in trouble, I'm a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want."

And although she couldn't make all her scheduled court appearances, Linds managed to squeeze the time in to get an extra special manicure before her sentencing.

The only person we feel sorry for in these pictures is the poor lawyer trying to represent and defend this spoiled, addicted, immature mess.

Denial, thy name is Dina Lohan. (Actually, Big Fat Headline-Hogging Idiot is more accurate, but even we'll admit that's a bit of a mouthful.)

See, since May 24th, Lindsay Lohan has been wearing a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. A SCRAM (or secure continuous remote alcohol monitor) measures blood alcohol level through perspiration on the skin. Not much of a fashion statement, but a pretty effective deterrent, right?

Two ways to conceal a SCRAM: wear something so low-cut that it deflects attention towards your enormous chest freckles ...

Except that after the MTV Movie awards on June 8th, Lindsay's SCRAM bracelet showed that she'd been drinking.

So what happens? Lindsay claims somebody spilled a drink down her leg. Which is ridiculous. A SCRAM is designed to measure the way the body metabolizes alcohol, and a spilled drink would measure as a sudden, dramatic, and obvious spike in the readings.

. ... and wear pants that are so long, they're almost in China. (Photo courtesy of MTV.com)

Not to mention the fact that Lindsay was wearing pants--maybe the world's longest pair. But that didn't stop Dina from backing Lindsay's story to the hilt:

She was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.

Sometimes we have a slow news day around here, so we debated the idea of having one of us wear a Secure Continuous Remote Asshat Monitor. How great would that be? Every time a celebrity did something mockable, we'd hear about it right away.

But then we realized it would go off every time Dina Lohan opened her mouth.

Lindsay Lohan is brilliantly resourceful. She hides her SCRAM bracelet under bell bottoms or slouchy boots. She shows her case manager how dedicated she is by Tweeting about sobriety's glories.

And now she's come up with an innovative way to score court sanctioned prescription pain killers.

This past Tuesday morning, Lindsay got her wisdom teeth removed.

Friends, that's the very definition of lofty resourcefulness.

But what really impresses us is Lindsay's "I've changed my ways" Sister Bertrille getup. Even if she didn't plan her actions and just winged it, Lindsay's resourcefulness soars.

Photo: famepictures.com

As you may know, Lindsay Lohan was supposed to return from Cannes yesterday to attend her mandatory court hearing in L.A. Oh, how desperately she tried to escape the deplorable 24-hour party scene at the Cannes Film Festival! Alas, someone must have stolen her passport; that happens to Linds all the time, no matter how closely she guards her purse.

Mamarazzi knows that Lindsay is utterly distraught and has been searching tirelessly for that pesky passport. Behold the evidence:

"I can't believe it - Somebody must have stolen my passport! How ever will I get home to fulfill my public duty?"

Photo courtesy of EmptyStreets27

I guess we were supposed to be all surprised when the news broke that Lindsay Lohan has been tapped to play Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace in an upcoming film about the porn star's life.

But frankly, we felt pretty "meh" about it. LiLo to play a porn star? Why are we not surprised?

First of all, how much acting talent is this actually going to require? How much of a stretch (excuse the expression) could this be? It's almost too self-referential--a skanky actress playing a skanky actress.

If she really wants to make us remember the talented girl who starred in Mean Girls and recorded "Daughter to Father," LiLo should reach a bit further in her movie roles. She should channel everything she knows about late night partying, and play Billy Holiday in a remake of Lady Sings the Blues.

OK, maybe she actually is a bit too white to play Billie Holiday. Which leaves us wondering--if LiLo wants to make a biopic as a comeback vehicle, which female performer would be the best fit?

What is it with female Disney stars these day? Was Haley Mills like this? How about girl who played Jane Banks in Mary Poppins? Did she go all wild child as soon as she reached puberty? We think not.

Anyway. We've sat through the trailer for Machete a couple of times. Machete is the film in which Lindsay Lohan finally makes her come back. But we can't tell who should be more offended by it. Mexicans? Motorcyclists? Catholics? Anyone whose last name is Lohan?

At 1:40, that's 23-year-old Lilo cozying up to 65-year-old Danny Tejo. Honestly. How vomit-y can you get?

We're pretty sure Machete won't be shown at the Venice Film Festival, but if it were, Cheech Marin would deserve an award of some kind. His portrayal of a ruthless gun-toting priest is the most realistic thing in the film. On top of that, he didn't burst out laughing during any of his scenes--and we hear he has a pretty good sense of humor.

Machete goes direct to video premieres on April 10. In protest, we plan to stay at home watching our video of The Parent Trap.

Or more to the point, balls lack Lindsay Lohan.

Confused? Let's try expressing it as a riddle: what do Gina Lollabrigida,

Geri Halliwell,

Farrah Fawcett,

Nicolette Sheridan,

Paris Hilton,

and Dita Von Teese

have in common?

Each one has been Richard Lugner's guest at the Vienna Opera Ball.

Seems that the 74-year-old Austrian construction magnate invites a starlet of some sort every year. The invitee is paid $150,000 to attend the ball, pose for pictures, and sign a few autographs. (And get your minds out of the gutter; Lugner is also accompanied by his family.)

At any rate, Lindsay agreed to go. And then the day of the ball, she got to the airport two hours late. There was a private jet to fly her to Vienna, but it cost $14,000 to keep it waiting, and Lilo didn't have that much room on her credit card.

So she blew it off.

That's right; she blew off the opportunity to earn $150,000. And for what? To go shopping.

Would someone please explain to this child that first you earn the money, then you spend it?

At any rate, Lugner says he's going to invite someone older next year. We're hoping he picks Betty White. She's smart, funny, cute as a button, and understands the difference between income and expenses.

Who's with us? Somebody start a Facebook fan page!

We're sorry, Star, but the Hoarder's television show has upped the ante. There's messy, there's cluttered, there's owning way too much shit, and then there's hoarding.

What we have here is a bunch of stuff. OK, too much of it. And mocking Lindsay Lohan is practically a full-time job around here. But those boxes with the photographs of shoes?

Are we inconsistent if we admit to a teeny twinge of jealousy?

In another failed attempt to kick-start her cratering career, Lindsay Lohan produced a documentary about sex trafficking in India.

Five minutes after it was released, the internet started to percolate with rumors about a sex tape.

Lindsay denies these rumors. But Lindsay? If you really want to make the rumors go away, don't wear a see-through blouse

to a launch party. Especially if the product being launched

is sex toys.

Honestly, the girl doesn't understand the first thing about combining fame and humanitarian work.

We're thinking about mailing her a biography of Audrey Hepburn.

--
Lindsay Lohan photo courtesy of DListed; vibrators courtesy of BedroomJoys.com

Everyone knows what it means to hit bottom. It's when you can finally admit that you've completely lost control of your life. Michael Lohan knows this. He also knows that no one can force you to become sober; this is a decision and a process that you have to embark upon yourself.

But that hasn't stopped Michael from taping telephone calls from Lindsay--calls in which she weeps, sobs, and is clearly in anguish ... and then releasing them to the press.

He's claiming that it's an attempt to get her to go to rehab. But we respectfully disagree. We think Michael is addicted to talking to reporters.

(AP Photo/Peter Kramer)
This is not La Lohan's week. Her apartment got broken into.

Apega/WENN.com

Aubrey O'Day is planning to steal Samantha Ronson from her.

Photo courtesy of Flashpoint / WENN.com

And an employee at a New York deli wouldn't return her cell phone because he didn't recognize her.

Obviously, Lindsay needs to get herself back into the spotlight. What's the point of being trailed by the paparazzi everywhere you go if you have to show your ID to get your phone back? You're not really famous until it takes forever to get a sandwich because the guys behind the meat counter keep bugging you for an autograph.

Maybe she can talk Disney into letting her star in another movie. What about The Starlet Trap, in which she swaps places with another very thin young woman with long blonde hair--and nobody can tell the difference?

Or maybe she should just release a sex tape.

(Naturally we disapprove. But we'll bet Paris Hilton doesn't have to show an ID to get her cell phone back.)