And it looks like Ralph Lauren won.
Thank God, because we were getting a little tired of Jon in his pay-per-wear t-shirts. Those things were louder than Bill Cosby's sweaters.
So yay Ralph Lauren. But Jon? Just so you know? A navy blue polo shirt, while slimming, is not a portable liposuction machine.
Jon Gosselin has tasted the sweetness of making an idiot out of himself in front of millions of American reality show fans. He loved being the most despised father in America--at least he did until Tiger Woods shoved him off the cover of People magazine.
So we're not surprised that Jon's been trying to land another show. Why not? We can easily imagine him on something like Lifestyles of Deadbeat Dads, or Me and My Midlife Crisis.
But who would have guessed that he'd try to end up on Project Runway?
Here he is modeling his first entry: a rainbow-colored tutu cunningly made of vinyl backpacks.
What do you think? Fierce? Or a hot tranny mess?
We had resolved to stop making fun of anyone whose last name is Gosselin or Lohan. Instead, we were going to do nice, positive, upstanding things like congratulate Matthew McBongity on the birth of his daughter.
Photo courtesy of X17.com
And you see how long that lasted.
But we don't really feel we're really breaking our resolution, because we're powerless in the face of Jon Gosselin's dead shark eyes. He reminds us of the guy who played Torgo in Manos: The Hands of Fate. We're under his spell, and the proof is our sudden urge to go to Ulta to buy an Ed Hardy fragrance.
(Also, those of you who went to co-ed high schools, does it look like Michael Lohan's teacher asked him to write something on the board, and he has a hard-on and is trying to hide it with the front of his t-shirt?)
ANYWAY. Apparently there are talks underway between these two fame whores. They're planning on having some kind of boxing match.
YAWN. With any luck, they'll be like matter and anti-matter. As soon as one of them manages to land a punch, they'll both disappear.
Did you hear what Jon Gosselin found in his apartment when he got home after Christmas with the kids?
INFphoto.com
His apartment had been ransacked. His clothes, bedding, and furniture had been slashed. Stuff was stolen; stuff was broken. And sticking out of the bedroom dresser? A butcher knife holding a note signed "Hailey Glassman."
Mainstream media will probably attribute the breaking/entering/carving of the word "cheater" in his headboard to a perpretator hired by his ex-girlfriend Hailey.
But responsible news organizations like The National Enquirer and Mamarazzi will probably say it was probably someone who wanted to bring everyone some Christmas cheer! We're picturing Will Ferrell in an Elf suit.
Seriously, though ... it probably would be a good idea to keep the adage about "woman scorned" in mind.
And Tiger? You'd better upgrade your burglar alarms.
Here's a day-after-Thanksgiving treat for you: a costume party where celebrities come dressed as part of a Thanksgiving dinner.
Here's Katy Perry
as a couple of slices of breast meat
Rihanna's hair
as the sweet potatoes
Jon Gosselin's midsection
as a Jell-O mold
Rihanna's right thigh
as a drumstick
Fergie
as a can of cranberry sauce
Adam Lambert
as a relish tray
or maybe just a pickle in his pocket, if you get our drift
Janet Jackson
as the stuffing
Nicole Kidman
as the tablecloth your mother forgot to iron
Courtney Love
as a hangover
and Kanye West
as the turkey.
Cute girls like to travel in packs. It's the reason sororities exist. It's why we have The Rockettes. It may even be the reason women never seem to be able to go to the bathroom one at a time.
This is because if one cute girl is a sparkler, a group of cute girls is a fireworks display.
Photo courtesy of NY Daily News
Unfortunately, the same is true of douchebags.
Take an Ed Hardy-wearing, hair-plugs sporting cheating reality show dad, stand him next to Bristol Palin's baby daddy, take them to Times Square, dress them in matching peacoats, and what do you have?
A perfect storm of assholiness that threatens to engulf Manhattan.
Although Nancy Grace handed Jon Gosselin his ass last night, we're a little nauseous this morning thanks to a bottle of Peachy Canyon Zinfandel and The Amazing Race (GO HOME, LANCE!) and can't quite bring ourselves to stare at Gosselin's unblinking fish eyes for one more second and so instead we bring you the other biggest celebrity news scandal of the week - David Letterman!
¡escandaloso!
Or, not.
Mamarazzi doesn't really care that Letterman cheated on his wife (then girlfriend) and mother of his child.
Don't get us wrong, we'd be plenty pissed if any of the Mr. Mamarazzis tried a similar stunt, and we feel for Regina because it sucks, but in the world of celebrities gone off the rails, this just doesn't rattle our collective cage.
He's not our "Family Values" political representative... our pastor or priest... we don't think any of those women felt their jobs or advancement was at stake and let's face it: people who work together often boink together.
In fact, shhhh... some of Mamarazzi, long ago, in a galaxy far away, when the "single" box was checked on W-2s, boinked co-workers.
Boinking! Bringing staffers together.
What about you? Is Dave no longer in your Top 10 (rimshot!)?
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