Results tagged “Jake Pavelka” from Mamarazzi

Let's work backwards shall we?

Backwards from 3 hours, thank you very much ABC, which is how long this romantical festival of forever took... 3 HOURS.

It's Vienna for The Final Rose and no weak "let's date and see where this goes" half ass commitment speech from the most chatty and decisive Bachelor in history... nosireebob, Jake gets down and one knee and proposes to Vienna with a very sparkly Neil Lane diamond ring.

Hearts! Flowers! Love!

Meh.

Mamarazzi, for what it's worth, does not get all the hot hate for Vienna found in chatrooms and, of course, in the weird little tribe of Season 14 Bachlorettes. ABC, for all their efforts and Ali, the Queen of the Mean Girls, for all her bitching, never showed the viewer anything more than a rather hyper girl who offended by talking about how great her one on one date with Jake was... something that every other girl in the history of the show has done... It really felt as though Ali realized Vienna was her greatest competition and started the Down With Vienna campaign... and it worked. Girl didn't have a friend in the house or, in the audience.

PSA:

Here is the thing - bullying is never ok. Trashing others to make yourself feel better or to try and direct an outcome to your desires is not ok. And don't give Mamarazzi that old, "where there is smoke there is fire" bit because it doesn't hold. Girls are committing suicide over being bullied. They are dropping out of school, sports programs, and jobs... in this case, we never saw one damn example of why she was so bad... Vienna even apologized to the house at large for whatever she had supposedly done and what she got for that was more hateful behavior. Mamarazzi won't be recapping Ali's season as the Bachlorette because quite frankly, she is just not a nice person.

Now, back to the recap:

It was basically, "He's Just Not That Into You."

There was the meeting of Jake's family where everyone cried because Tenley is a real live Disney Princess and if Jake picks her it will be a world of magical talking animals and dishes... or Vienna where everyone decides she isn't that bad after all.

There are long walks on the beach with Jake looking stressed and if you thought it was a good idea to have a shot of liquor each and every time Jake said, "It's hard to be in love with 2 women", you are probably in the hospital today.

Other overused potential leading to alcohol poisoning phrases: Vienna is so full of life/Tenely has such strong values/both these women have a piece of my heart.

Mamarazzi hopes you are all ok.

Final dates: Volcano Mud Bath for Vienna and Snorkeling for Tenely and basically Jake lets the old cat out of the bag on that big yacht with Tenley... the physical chemistry is just not there. Oh, he backpedals something fierce, but it's out there, hanging around in the air, and it's something all the women at home know to be true... The Evil Queen is sexier than Snow White.

Helicopter! Jade Mountain! Jake!

Mamarazzi would just like to point out that St. Lucia is ridiculously gorgeous and if the Tourism Board is looking to bring some snark to their island, Mamarazzi is available.

Jake breaks Tenley's heart and much to the dismay of Mamarazzi's cousin, Tenley does not do a sad Mime Dance of the Broken Hearted.. instead she tearfully thanks Jake for showing her that she can love again and Jake tells her he'll never forget her.

Vienna arrives and can barely walk for the nerves. It's okay Vienna, tah dah: You're the Final Rose!

Ring! Tears! Proposal! Yes!

snooze.

After the Final Rose

Lights! Camera! Tenley!

Tell America how much it sucked to have your heart stomped on... oh, Chris Harrison, you dog.

Tenley does and she is sweet and Mamarazzi will be honest with you... that voice is not something we will miss.

Jake comes out and Tenely tries to stick it to him a little by asking if it was fair to Vienna for him to propose when he obvs all these feelings for her. Jake basically slaps her down by plainly stating that the magic sparks? Not with her. But he'll always be her friend.

Tenley hauls off and smacks him in the kisser.

No? Well, she should have.. friend!

Jake then tells America to basically suck it. Vienna is "his baby" and has a wonderful heart and they are so in love and then Vienna comes out and she looks better... her hair is a little warmer blonde and it's an improvement. Chris Harrison queries her on all the negative tabloid press and she calls it all nonsense and tells us that she is such a "sweet person."

No love from the audience. But they seem happy. She is moving to Dallas and Mamarazzi wishes them well... fade out to Jeffrey Osbourne, LIVE and serenading them to, of course, On the Wings of Love.

Now it's time for the official reveal: Ali the new Bachlorette.

Hoo-fucking-Ray

She's all "blessed" and "overwhelmed" and everyone is clapping and if Mamarazzi sets the DVR correctly, Mamarazzi will never have to see her again.

Mamarazzi is sorry for missing last weeks recap (although a few of you were probably jazzed!) but it was a technical issue which basically means when it rains in Laguna Beach, quite often the cable goes hinky.

In any case, last week? All you need to know is that Jake sent home Corrie who was not that into him and also, a virgin, which would make for a boring "Fantasy Suite" evening... also, Ali still hates Vienna. There you go. Week 5 in a nutshell.

So, it's Hometown Week time! Jake is off to meet the families of his final four, Gia, VIenna, Ali and Tenley... and he kicks things off with Gia's peeps in NYC.

She is really pretty and have you seen this? Mamarazzi is pretty sure Gia is not The Final Rose but for some reason, we think she'll do just fine on her own...

Guess what? Gia doesn't want to get hurt! She's put up a wall! So novel in the world of reality dating. Mamarazzi likes Gia and her family likes Jake. Suckahs! Just ask Reality Steve, it's Vienna for the final rose.

Next it's off to MA to meet with Ali and her family... and Mamarazzi has just noticed that Ali, for such a petite woman clomps around like an elephant. In any case, Ali takes Jake to meet her grandmother... her dead grandmother. Which is both touching and weird? Jake is very gracious about the whole thing and the credit goes to him for not being a tool. Or a good actor. We'll accept either.

At dinner, Jake puts her family's mind at ease by telling them that "family is everything" and her mother in turn tells him that Ali is the happiest she's been in awhile and gives him her blessing to marry Ali should things get to that point and Mamarazzi is telling their daughters right now that this is all CRAP and don't think for one moment they will be allowed on any sort of Bachelor type show.

Ali, like Gia, is falling in love.

Off to Oregon with Tenley... Mamarazzi wishes Tenley would drop the baby voice... anyhow, we get to hear more about Tenley's hurt heart and the bastard who divorced her...seems to creeps into most conversations.

Tenley is a dancer. Her ex never saw her dance. Or, saw her dance from her heart. Or some nonsense. Tenley has a surprise planned for Jake - she's choreographed a special dance just for him... he is going to see her dance and yes, you guessed it, from her heart! And here she goes and it's set to, of all things, Pachbel's Cannon in D, aka: the music played at every wedding Mamarazzi has ever attended. Every. Wedding. Hint much, Tenley?

Here we are with the folks and mah God everyone is tearing up and there is so much chatter about hearts with joy and taking moments and Jake and Tenley are well matched in the cheese department.

Oh! Sidenote, Tenley's parents watched Jake's episodes on Jillian's season of The Bachlorette and wished their gal would meet a guy just like him! Mamarazzi wonders if Mama and Daddy Baby Voice pimped her to audition....

Cheese and crackers... now Tenley's dad is crying over her divorce... STOP CRYING TENLEY FAMILY!

But they don't stop crying. Mom is now on a jag and Pops is giving permission for marriage... which of course, brings JAKE TO TEARS.

What the hell is in the water up there in Oregon? Sobbing drops?

Bring on Vienna.

And seriously, the redneck music.

Vienna is from Florida and Jake's excited to see her because there is something so "natural" about her and Mamarazzi is pretty much thinking it's not her hair. Or boobs. Or teeth. Or tan.

River tour on festive pontoon boat.

They are actually quite comfortable together... and Mamarazzi forgot that Vienna had a quicky 15 minute marriage. and when they walk into her parent's home we see her father is sporting a pornstache and carrying a chihuahua and we immediately like him! Also, he's not crying which is a good thing.

What is not a good thing is when a grown ass woman announces that she is a, "Daddy's Girl". SO LAME.

Also, good way to make sure there are issues in your marriage. Love your fathers girls. Love and respect and be friends with them... you are not 3 and it's weird.

Dad however, makes a good point, while tinkering on his motorcycle with heavy tools, in saying that it makes him uncomfortable to see Jake dating 3 other women and, by the way, if Jake does end up with Vienna, Daddykins expects her to be treated like a princess and Jake in turn can count on coming home to a clean house and children being raised right.

Thanks, Dad!

And Hometown dates are over and it's back to Los Angeles for rose ceremony but before we can get into Jake walking around and looking pensive about which girl he has to say goodbye to, Ali throws a monkey wrench into the works.

She has to chose! Jake or her job! Rumor has it her job is with Facebook and Mamarazzi is thinking, Child, keep the good job! There is much gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands and it's so obvs that she just wants Jake to whisper, "You're the one! Stay!" But, he doesn't... he goes the lame, " I don't want you to go" route and quite frankly, in this economy that just isn't good enough. Ali leaves and takes her heart back to San Francisco.

No rose ceremony tonight. Gia, Vienna and Tenley are packing their bags for St. Lucia and some sexy time Fantasy Suite action.

This week on The Bachelor: Jake is officially done messing around and sends 4 women home with nary a flick of his rose handing wrist.

We open up at the Bachlorette's Pad and one look at the 2 deluxe tour buses in the driveway let's us know that it's Rock of Love Bus time and Jake has been replaced by Brett Michaels! Well, not really but that would be awesome.

Yes, they are taking this circus on the road.

Heading up the California coast they set up "camp" at a winery... the buses are just far enough from Jake's tent where the gals can sort of see him... Jake, you tease! This move to camping is important to our Pilot because he's from Texas and "the outdoors" is a huge part of his life.

Man, they all say some stupid things on these shows... like on House Hunters and prospective buyers say, "Well, I like a lot of windows and natural light." Because that is so unusual? Most people want to live in a cave?

First date of the week is a one on one and it goes to Gia. Gia's lips look a little less inflated this week so maybe she's toned down the gloss? Or the Juvaderm is fading? In any case, Jake is curious to see how this "Big City Girl" does with a "Country Boy Date".

Gia could care less about the country and worries mostly about looking cute... which translates into a pair of 4" Louboutin heels and as she hops on the back of Jake's bike Vienna cattily interviews that Gia's cityslicker ways won't play...

She's wrong. Gia frolics about barefoot and looks quite lovely and confesses to her "Nerd" status in high school while Jake admits to being called, "Mr. Dateless" in the 9th grade which seems to Mamarazzi to be the definition of most 9th grade boys but whatever, and other than her suddenly strong accent she's rather darling. Jake worries about her being able to "handle" a hot dog dinner and Mamarazzi is thinking that Jake hasn't been to NYC.

No surprise, she get's a rose.

Day 2 is the group date of Corrie, Ashleigh, Ali, Vienna, Jessie (Who?) and Tenley (who needs to lose the baby voice... immediately.) which means that Kathryn (Who?) and Ella have the dreaded 2 on 1 date this week where one of them is sure to go home.

The Group date is, no shit, Dune Buggying at Pismo Beach and Ali, who needs to SETTLE down on her hate of Vienna, calls shotgun for Jake's buggy and death stares abound and then they drive around in the sand and it looks decidedly unfun... followed by sand boarding which does look fun and Jake and Tenley sort of collide and tumble and "she's in his arms" and OMG that baby voice is killing Mamarazzi.

Wine, fruit, blah blah blah... Corrie goes for a tumble... and off to the Madonna Inn where Jake has some incredibly awkward one on one time with Ashleigh... she's draped all over him, running her fingers through his hair, playing with his zipper and he is so not feeling it. He tells us, "She's smoking but...no chemistry." Zip. Ali tries to trick Jake into confirming she is getting a rose this week but homey don't play that and blows her off with a, "I'm just caught up in this moment"... ouch.

Back at the campsite, Kathryn and Ella are bumming big time about their upcoming date. Kathryn quite rightly states that she doesn't understand why Jake would put her in this position and by position Mamarazzi assumes she means that he has yet to spend more than 3 minutes with her.

Jake meanwhile makes out with Tenley, who tells him she hasn't dated since her divorce and then he tells Vienna, who orchestrated being the "last person Jake kisses tonight", that she needs to check her behavior while with the other girls and that she is bringing some of the hate on herself... which is interesting as Mamarazzi still has yet to see the Evil that is Vienna. She comes across like every other reality dingbat.

Group date rose goes to Tenely.

2 on 1 date from Hell. The rose is the elephant in the room and the three of them, Jake, Ella and Kathryn sit around a tiny table and try to act normally even though no one has even bothered to take off their coat... maybe it's just cold in there? Ella hogs the conversation and steps on every sentence Kathryn tries to utter... Jake takes Ella outside for some private chit chat which ends with the dropping of many hints that maybe a Pilot Stepdaddy isn't in Ella's future.

Kathryn's time starts with her asking Jake why he basically pays her no mind and he responds by telling her that she is so beautiful that he is cautious with her... he's "lost in her eyes" (Mamarazzi calls bullshit) and that he feels a natural attraction between them (more b.s.)... he promises that the small amount of time they have spend together won't affect his rose decision (lies!). She feels that he is really starting to like her.

Poor Ella.

Jake takes her outside and gets all whispery and away she goes... Kathryn is left in the cabin to assume that the rose is indeed for her!

Poor Kathryn.

Although Jake wants to be the guy to sweep her off her feet, his heart is telling him he is not that guy... it's rather awful. She's less forgiving than Ella and tells Jake she thinks he is making a mistake... he whispers, "Thank you for coming."

Much shock back at base camp when a lowly PA hauls off both sets of luggage. Of course there are some tears. Cry women, cry!

Finally Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony time! And Ali, mean but pretty little Ali, gets the first rose, then Corrie and then it gets weird as Jake puts down the 3rd rose and walks out of the room.

Cameras scurry and some producer type gets Chris Harrison for him and after much sputtering and hemming and hawing, Jake finds a way to ask if he does in fact have to hand out 2 more roses?

this would have been more shocking if ABC hadn't been teasing us with it since last week...

Chris is all, Whoa, Nelly! But then gives Jake a bro pat and tells Jake that "he'll take care of it." Chris also has the pleasant job of letting the ladies know that 2 of them are not wife material for Jake.

Goodbye Jessie. Goodbye Ashleigh.

Vienna gets the final rose.

And Ali hisses in anger.

Next Week: San Francisco and Ali hating on Vienna!