Results tagged “Brad PItt” from Mamarazzi

DListed

Now that her former bodyguard has spilled the beans about Angelina's crazy behavior, it's time for her to rehabilitate her image.

Popsugar

So on a recent trip to Venice, Angelina Jolie dropped $5,000 on an Akris ponyhair bag. But before she handed over her credit card, she had her stylist call the company to assure her that the ponies were treated well. She was assured that they were.

We're sure the news gave Angelina the warm squishies, but honestly, if she's trying to rehabilitate her image (and she should be, considering the allegations in the InTouch interview) buying a white bag made of the ponytails of virginal unicorns is just a first step.

Next, she'll have to fill the bag with fortune cookies full of messages like "I'm sorry I stole Brad" and have it shipped to Jennifer.

Most important of all, she'll have to get Billygoat Brad to shave off his chin dreads. Sorry, Angie, but we're married women, and we know who has final say about a man's appearance.

Here are some of Brad's facial hair shenanigans when he was married to Jennifer

MillionFace

and here's what he's wearing, now that he's with Angelina.

The Mirror

Angie, wake up. This thing is a cry for help. Forget the ponies and the orphans for a minute and save Brad. If you're really serious about making the world a better place, go all Delilah on Brad's chin. If this thing gets any longer, Brad will be able to donate his chin dreads to Locks of Love and have them weave you a designer bag out of it.

Photo: WENN

At long last, Brad explained to Britain's Sun why he grew that gnarly beard and why he still has it.

"It's boredom. No other reason than that."

Bradley, we understand how it is. Even with forty-seven six kids, a househusband can get very bored indeed while Wifey is off trying to snag her newest co-star at work.

Mamarazzi suggests you do what experienced housespouses do. Read and learn, Brad.

First and foremost, plan your daily activites.





Start your day on a bright, shiny note!





Shop for a meal that will make you spouse proud.





Take a moment to relax with your favorite tunes.





Explore new activities!





Spend some quality time with your best friend.





Get creative! Make something incorporating a passion you share with your spouse; in this case, your mutual love of architecture and Jell-o®!





Last, but not least, Brad, take comfort thinking warm thoughts about what your spouse is doing at this very moment. There, now doesn't this help?

Brad, looks like your little plot has worked. If we can trust Star magazine, and we know we can't can, you've finally succeeded at grossing out Angelina.

It seems that Angelina wants to mess around with other men and possibly women. If she's anything like us, she wants to mate with people who don't have what appears to be a dead rat dangling from their chins...

... or moldy shower caps on their heads.

Brad, oh Brad, please make this New Years resolution for 2010: Just DUMP that nutty, if hot, serial adopter and start grooming yourself so that you don't look like you've holed yourself up in The Unibomber's cabin for the past year. And would it kill you to take a bath?

Brad, clean up and come celebrate 2010 with the Mamas of Mamarazzi. Between the four of us, we have 11 kids but we're willing to make special time for you. We'll even let you keep the shower cap if necessary, but be forewarned: We draw the line at chin rats.

Oh, and it's OK with us if you introduce us to your pal George Clooney.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM MAMARAZZI!

We'd like to congratulate Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart for the impending birth of what will no doubt be a seriously good-looking infant.

OK, that was nice. And supportive. We didn't even mention the naked hot tub sex.

So now that we're BFFs with Eric, we'd like to take this opportunity to beg him not to let himself go. Because we noticed his hat, and we're very concerned.

As a refresher, here are a couple of pictures of the pre-Dad, pre-hat Eric Dane:

Now look what happened to Brad Pitt. We start with the fresh-faced, bare-armed hunk,

add one child and a hat

and the next thing you know, you've got a hot mess.

Eric, it looks like a harmless little hat, but in reality, it's a slippery slope. Don't let this happen to you.

We gotta hand it to you, it's a creative approach!
However, birthing two bus loads of kids and changing your look

Radar

to better resemble his sex kitten lover/adoption partner/offspringer bearer,

NBC/AP

is not going to get you any closer to sleeping with Brad Pitt.

So knock it off.