Results tagged “Bachelor” from Mamarazzi

This week on The Bachelor: Jake is officially done messing around and sends 4 women home with nary a flick of his rose handing wrist.

We open up at the Bachlorette's Pad and one look at the 2 deluxe tour buses in the driveway let's us know that it's Rock of Love Bus time and Jake has been replaced by Brett Michaels! Well, not really but that would be awesome.

Yes, they are taking this circus on the road.

Heading up the California coast they set up "camp" at a winery... the buses are just far enough from Jake's tent where the gals can sort of see him... Jake, you tease! This move to camping is important to our Pilot because he's from Texas and "the outdoors" is a huge part of his life.

Man, they all say some stupid things on these shows... like on House Hunters and prospective buyers say, "Well, I like a lot of windows and natural light." Because that is so unusual? Most people want to live in a cave?

First date of the week is a one on one and it goes to Gia. Gia's lips look a little less inflated this week so maybe she's toned down the gloss? Or the Juvaderm is fading? In any case, Jake is curious to see how this "Big City Girl" does with a "Country Boy Date".

Gia could care less about the country and worries mostly about looking cute... which translates into a pair of 4" Louboutin heels and as she hops on the back of Jake's bike Vienna cattily interviews that Gia's cityslicker ways won't play...

She's wrong. Gia frolics about barefoot and looks quite lovely and confesses to her "Nerd" status in high school while Jake admits to being called, "Mr. Dateless" in the 9th grade which seems to Mamarazzi to be the definition of most 9th grade boys but whatever, and other than her suddenly strong accent she's rather darling. Jake worries about her being able to "handle" a hot dog dinner and Mamarazzi is thinking that Jake hasn't been to NYC.

No surprise, she get's a rose.

Day 2 is the group date of Corrie, Ashleigh, Ali, Vienna, Jessie (Who?) and Tenley (who needs to lose the baby voice... immediately.) which means that Kathryn (Who?) and Ella have the dreaded 2 on 1 date this week where one of them is sure to go home.

The Group date is, no shit, Dune Buggying at Pismo Beach and Ali, who needs to SETTLE down on her hate of Vienna, calls shotgun for Jake's buggy and death stares abound and then they drive around in the sand and it looks decidedly unfun... followed by sand boarding which does look fun and Jake and Tenley sort of collide and tumble and "she's in his arms" and OMG that baby voice is killing Mamarazzi.

Wine, fruit, blah blah blah... Corrie goes for a tumble... and off to the Madonna Inn where Jake has some incredibly awkward one on one time with Ashleigh... she's draped all over him, running her fingers through his hair, playing with his zipper and he is so not feeling it. He tells us, "She's smoking but...no chemistry." Zip. Ali tries to trick Jake into confirming she is getting a rose this week but homey don't play that and blows her off with a, "I'm just caught up in this moment"... ouch.

Back at the campsite, Kathryn and Ella are bumming big time about their upcoming date. Kathryn quite rightly states that she doesn't understand why Jake would put her in this position and by position Mamarazzi assumes she means that he has yet to spend more than 3 minutes with her.

Jake meanwhile makes out with Tenley, who tells him she hasn't dated since her divorce and then he tells Vienna, who orchestrated being the "last person Jake kisses tonight", that she needs to check her behavior while with the other girls and that she is bringing some of the hate on herself... which is interesting as Mamarazzi still has yet to see the Evil that is Vienna. She comes across like every other reality dingbat.

Group date rose goes to Tenely.

2 on 1 date from Hell. The rose is the elephant in the room and the three of them, Jake, Ella and Kathryn sit around a tiny table and try to act normally even though no one has even bothered to take off their coat... maybe it's just cold in there? Ella hogs the conversation and steps on every sentence Kathryn tries to utter... Jake takes Ella outside for some private chit chat which ends with the dropping of many hints that maybe a Pilot Stepdaddy isn't in Ella's future.

Kathryn's time starts with her asking Jake why he basically pays her no mind and he responds by telling her that she is so beautiful that he is cautious with her... he's "lost in her eyes" (Mamarazzi calls bullshit) and that he feels a natural attraction between them (more b.s.)... he promises that the small amount of time they have spend together won't affect his rose decision (lies!). She feels that he is really starting to like her.

Poor Ella.

Jake takes her outside and gets all whispery and away she goes... Kathryn is left in the cabin to assume that the rose is indeed for her!

Poor Kathryn.

Although Jake wants to be the guy to sweep her off her feet, his heart is telling him he is not that guy... it's rather awful. She's less forgiving than Ella and tells Jake she thinks he is making a mistake... he whispers, "Thank you for coming."

Much shock back at base camp when a lowly PA hauls off both sets of luggage. Of course there are some tears. Cry women, cry!

Finally Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony time! And Ali, mean but pretty little Ali, gets the first rose, then Corrie and then it gets weird as Jake puts down the 3rd rose and walks out of the room.

Cameras scurry and some producer type gets Chris Harrison for him and after much sputtering and hemming and hawing, Jake finds a way to ask if he does in fact have to hand out 2 more roses?

this would have been more shocking if ABC hadn't been teasing us with it since last week...

Chris is all, Whoa, Nelly! But then gives Jake a bro pat and tells Jake that "he'll take care of it." Chris also has the pleasant job of letting the ladies know that 2 of them are not wife material for Jake.

Goodbye Jessie. Goodbye Ashleigh.

Vienna gets the final rose.

And Ali hisses in anger.

Next Week: San Francisco and Ali hating on Vienna!

and the Casa de Bachlorette turns into Casa de Mean Girls. Where is Tina Fey when you need her? Wouldn't that be awesome? If halfway through the season Tina Fey showed up and got these "ladies" in line? Especially if she came in full Liz Lemon mode ...

In any case, Vienna, who we thought was a giant because of her enormous teeth and shoulders (but is actually smaller than Jake, who is starting to look like an overgrown elf) gets the first one-on-one date of the week, and as she waves goodbye from the back of Jake's motorcycle, the rest of the house rubs their hands together gleefully as they predict her imminent demise ... if that is what he is looking for well then fine!

Jake whisks Vienna away in a helicopter bound for a yet-unnamed destination ... and it's a bridge over a dry river, and it's adventure date time ... bungee jumping!

Mamarazzi says Hell to the No.

Our happy couple both look as though they might puke. Jake more so than Vienna ... he is in fact, afraid of heights (hello? pilot?) and spends about 20 minutes sniveling into Vienna's (broad) shoulders while she (who is also freaked) strokes his head and gives him the ol' pep talk causing the men in the house of Mamarazzi to shout mean things that all mean "wussy" at him. Of course, the shouting is coming from the comfort of a couple of leather club chairs, and it's always easy to be the Monday morning quarterback, isn't it, fellas?

They jump! And scream and make out and it's actually rather cute, and the next thing you know there is a hot tub and more making out, and I don't think anyone is surprised when Vienna is given a rose ... This is the best day of my life until the day I marry Jake! our toothy rose winner proclaims.

Back at the house a collective wail or surprise and anger goes up as Vienna returns clutching her prized trophy ... and it gets ugly. These chicks are hating on her, and she's oblivious and prattles on about the love and the good times and everyone shoots her death stares and the viewing audience is a little confused, because we've yet to see footage of Vienna being a monster, but her roommates all move out, and she is left on her own, and it's actually a little sad, and although Mamarazzi thinks Ali is very cute, she needs to settle down on the hate, as it is ugly.

Group date time! Elizabeth, Corrie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Michelle, Ali, Jessie, and Kathryn are off to Universal City to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club--which looks less like a club and more like a sound stage from a back episode of Hart to Hart circa 1988 ... it also looks to be about 300 square feet.

Good news Bachelor watchers! The girls are tonight's performers. Confused tourists who probably thought they were in line for a seat at the Rain Forest Cafe are herded in and one by one the girls painfully get up and try to make 'em laugh.

Does Mamarazzi even need to go into how fucking grim this was?

Ali starts off with a joke about "Poo(h)" and Elizabeth is slutty and Tenely just rolls around like a failed contortionist and so it goes... Corrie goes with that old standby of slamming others to make yourself look good as she impersonates Vienna and the other Bachlorettes eat it up and Jake looks confused and muses, the girls are seeing a side of Vienna that I'm not and Mamarazzi wants to punch him in the throat because maybe he should be saying, the girls are acting like jealous cows and I'm not really into that. Ashleigh is crying over the very idea of having to tell a joke and Mamarazzi is pretty sure someone Googled "blonde jokes" for her as she finally sucked it up and went out there and delivered three perfectly acceptable jokes.

Michelle was the best ... what with her pirate boots and OC Housewife tube top and her rambling delivery of sexual innuendo ... Jake, see my coconuts?

This painful group makes it's way to another LA hot spot, the Roosevelt Hotel, to a "wrap" party set up on the roof deck ... and Jake tells the ladies how proud he is of them, which prompts another response from the men in Mamarazzi's house along the lines of, "Creeper! What are you, their dad? They sucked!' Harsh critics, the men around here.

Bring on the tears and the bitching.

Tenely seriously sobs her way through her giant confession of having been married before to a man who cheated on and left her and she is divorced. AHHHHH! DIVORCED! She snivels about how she had saved herself for her wedding night and now she's just a soiled dove ... Jake, not surprisingly, doesn't care a whit about her revelation.

Ashleigh then spends her time with Jake tearing Vienna apart and telling Jake how upset everyone is about the rose he "wasted" on her. Ouch.

More good news! While the women at the Roosevelt tear Vienna apart behind her back the gals back the house are doing it to her face. Gia, (who needs to stop injecting her lips because they are funky) Ella, and the other one are ganging up on her in the kitchen, and when Vienna gets upset and flee they all look at each other with that Yep, we were right she is a drama queen expression and Mamarazzi hates all of them because bullying sucks, and so does this episode.

Women. Being pitted against each other for one dorky man. It's terrible.

Back at the hotel it's Ali's turn to talk shit about Vienna and Mamarazzi is still wondering if we missed the episode that showed nothing but Vienna kicking puppies? and she goes so far as to toast Corrie for her slamming impersonation and when Michelle won't drink to that Ali gives her a quite snotty stare and warns her that Jake is going to want a person who can get along (with women who are being eliminated and he will never see again) and Mamarazzi is pretty much at the STFU stage with Ali.

Michelle just shrugs and let's the world know that she is READY to get married and her mother WANTS another grandchild for God's sake and SHE is here for LOVE and omg her crazy is just a whole 'nother brand of desperate and it's just creepy. She sits down with Jake and tells him that she has been crying because she is the only one here "for the right reasons" (yawn) and then awkwardly asks for a kiss and it's the worst kiss in the history of the Bachelor, all tight-lipped and tense shoulders, and Jake pulls back after a few seconds and Michelle responds to that as one imagines she would, You've gotta give me more than that.

Sigh.

Jake is looking super uncomfortable and says he just wants this night to be over and she says, Well, maybe I should just go. I can't stay here. I'll stay if you want me to stay but ... and Jake's balls grow three sizes (just like the Grinch's heart) and he calls her bluff with I think it's best if you do go. Snap!

And so off she goes in a bright green van cab and the other girls titter and giggle until Jake comes back up and let's them know that they have basically done his head in and there will be no rose tonight and see ya.

Cue crickets and gobsmacked faces ... although the women do spend a few moments glorifying Jake for his "strength". Blech.

Time for the final date of the week and it is a one on one with Ella. She's excited and feels like it is her wedding day and what is wrong with these women?!

Ella is picked up in a helicopter for a fun day at Sea World where Jake has arranged (really Jake? Not the producers? You?) for Ella's son, Ethan, to join them for a "Family Date" which is a little cringe-worthy, but Ella at least has the good sense to say that in the real world she would never introduce her son to someone this soon, but she can tell by the way Jake and Ethan pet dolphins together that Jake would be a wonderful father.

While marine good times were being had, Vienna is back at the ranch trying to apologize for offending the girls and instead of graciously accepting because isn't it better to just get along in this artificial made-for-TV foxhole, Ali stands her ground that Vienna sucks ass.

The viewers have yet to see it, but please note that those with pale blonde eyelashes like Vienna should always wear mascara while on TV.

It actually looks like a fun day but Ella has one of those faces like the Festivus episode of Seinfeld where Jerry is dating the girl he decides is "two faced"... sometimes very attractive and sometimes very fug depending on the lighting ... and there is absolutely no chemistry between them. But in point of fact, when Jake gives Ella a rose (you knew he would right? I mean he just spent the day with her kid!) he gives it with a hug.

Finally the Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party! Here is how it plays out: remember Elizabeth the Nanny who won't let Jake kiss her? Well, it turns out she is quite touchy-feely and wants to talk about massages and Jake basically calls her a prick tease and then Vienna walks up (after being cued by the producers to do so... it's totally visible on screen) and Elizabeth starts crying and all the other girls rant about how totally unfair it is of Vienna cuz she already has a rose and Vienna quite sanely states that it's a long night and they will all get their time with the Pilot King. Elizabeth tries again to convince Jake she isn't a tease but instead of just saying, Look, it skeeves me out to kiss someone who has been tonguing every girl in this house. She instead acts confused and keeps giving him this weird look where she tucks her chin and tries to look coy yet stick her boobs in hia face at the same time and interviewing that it isn't just Jake picking her it's her picking Jake too and Mamarazzi thinks that perhaps Elizabeth is a little unclear on the show's concept.

Rose Ceremony ends and Valishia (who?) and old cock tease Elizabeth are left to pack their bags and hit the road and Mamarazzi silently applauds Jake for getting rid of two game players tonight.

Next week: Jake burns some roses!!